If that title doesn’t rake up my hits then I give up.

Vanity
Pretty Mess (Long Version)
Mechanical Emotion (Long Version)
I have not listened to every song from 1984 (yeah, I’m surprised too) but I’m willing to declare “Pretty Mess” as the most disgusting song of that year. Fuck that, it’s the most disgusting song of the 80s. “You made such a pretty mess all over my dress”? When chicks talk about sex its hot, but when they go into detail about how much they enjoy lovestains they’re taking it a bit too far.

The scariest thing is that Vanity recorded this song after she left Prince, making her the only person in the history of the world to become more sexually explicit after leaving the employ of The Purple One. I was hoping the b-side to this would be an alternate version of the song called “Thanks For Cumming All Over My Skirt” but alas, it’s “Mechanical Emotion”, which I think is an ode to vibrators. If it’s not it should be. Can you believe this chick is a born again Christian now?

Madonna
Justify My Love (Hip Hop Mix)
Justify My Love (Orbit 12” Mix)
Justify My Love (The Beast Within Mix)
This song isn’t that dirty. It’s the video that got all the slack. I’ve never liked this song that much. It’s barely a song to, just Madonna moaning out vaguely erotic lyrics to a generic beat. The “Beast Within” mix is great though, because it takes out most of the song’s original lyrics and replaces them with biblical passages. That’s a whole other level of dirty.

Erotic Dissidents
I Wanna Be…By You (Dirty Version)
Jack To The Air Of The Underwair (that’s how they spell it!)
THAT is one of the best band names of all time. Definitely the best electronic band name I’ve heard in a while, beating out Killer Bunnies and Sheep On Acid. The track is officially called “I Wanna Be…By You” but let’s be honest, it’s “I Wanna Be Fucked By You.” This is the “dirty version” although I think the clean version of this song would be an instrumental. These dirty fuckers are from Belgium, which is also the home of all-time electronic smut peddlers Lords Of Acid. If they worked together that wouldn’t be a collaboration, that would be an orgy.

Frankie Goes To Hollywood
Relax (The Ollie J Remix)
Relax (The Trip Ship Edit)
Relax (MCMXCIII)
Relax (Jam & Spoon Hi NRG Mix)
Relax (Jam & Spoon Trip-O-Matic Fairy Tale Mix)
Yeah, relax, that way you won’t rake up Vanity’s dry-cleaning bills. These remixes are from a 1993 12” single.

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