Tonight’s post is epically stupid in all the best ways.

Don Henley
All She Wants To Do Is Dance (Extended Dance Remix)
All She Wants To Do Is Dance (Dubb Remix)
So The Eagles suck, but I have a theory about that. Although I think The Eagles are one of the single worst bands ever to exist in the history of reality, they have some amazingly talented members. The most notable of these is of course Joe Walsh, who crafted three of the greatest rock songs of the the 1970s (“In The City,” “Rocky Mountain Way” and the immortal “Life’s Been Good”). But let’s not forget Glenn Fry, who gave us three amazing pop tracks in the 80s (“The Heat Is On,” “You Belong In The City” and “Smuggler’s Blues”). And then there’s Don Henley, who served up some of the best cheese of the 80s with hits like the above track and “Dirty Laundry.”

So how do three superb song writers somehow manage to become the creative core of a group who was responsible for some of the most offensively bland drivel of the 1970s? Well, either Don Felder and Randy Meisner are aggressively awful songwriters who dominated The Eagles recording sessions, or there was just so much AWESOME in that band that it all canceled out. I just want to know who I have to blame for the existence of “Witchy Woman.” I hate that song more than anything ever in the history of anything. However, I do love me some “All She Wants To Do Is Dance” even though it’s a song so stupid that it should be forced to wear a helmet when it goes outside. These remixes of said stupid song are from a 12” single that I bought from an idiot at a record show in Green Tree, PA.

James Brown
Living In America (R&B Dance Version)
Living In America (Instrumental)
I FEEL GOOD! I also bought these from the same idiot in Green Tree. Why is this guy an idiot you ask? Okay, imagine you’re a record dealer at a semi-popular record show. You want to make money, you want to sell your product. Do you bother to stop by the bank beforehand to pick up some extra singles so you can dish out change? If you answered “yes, why that just makes sense, what do you take me for, a fucking idiot?” well then you’re smarter than this butthead. When he had to give me these records at a dollar off he was mad at ME, like it was my fault that HE was a flippin’ maroon. Also, the extra buck I saved meant that I was only overpaying nine bucks for these records instead of 10. This dipshit wanted 45 bucks for a Duran Duran 12” that was opened and in shit condition. Goober.

Anyways, this song is AWESOME. (There’s a lot of capitalized awesome in tonight’s post.) And is of course from Rocky IV, the greatest example of Cold War bullshit ever produced. I remember seeing that movie in theaters when I was six or seven. I immediately wanted to become a boxer for Ronald Reagan. I also kind of wanted to be Drago, because as a freakishly tall kid with a speech disorder I identified with him.

Hey, speaking of AWESOME, Stallone and Dolph Lundgren, have you all seen the trailer for The Expendables? You should watch it, but be careful, that trailer is so amazing that it might break your computer. I’m so stoked for that shit I’m almost aroused. Yeah, that was gross, but I don’t care. You know why? CUZ I FEEL GOOD!

Okay, maybe it’s time I go to bed.

Aztec Camera With Mick Jones
Good Morning Britain (Kitsch ‘n’ Sync Mix)
Good Morning Britain (Vocal Mix)
But I’m not gonna! These too are from a 12” single that I bought in Green Tree, but I didn’t pick them up from an idiot. I bought it from an exceptionally nice dude who had a shitload of Stone Roses 12” singles that nearly cleared out my wallet. This song is moderately awesome. Recommend it to all your friends.