Haven’t posted in a week or so, but I think this one makes up for the downtime…

Sir Mix-A-Lot
Baby Got Back (Tekno-Metal Club Mix)
Baby Got Back (Hard B.W.B. Hip Hop Mix)
Baby Got Back (Hurricane Mix)
Baby Got Back (Instrumental)
Cake Boy
You Can’t Slip

That’s right motherfuckers, four different versions of ‘Baby Got Back’! This is totally the best blog post in the history of MP3 blog posts.

Almost transforming the classic into an entirely different tune is the next remix, which is strangely dubbed the Tekno-Metal Club Mix). “I Like Big Butts” doesn’t drop until about two minutes into the mix, and the vocals are almost drowned out by an insane bassline that would sound at home on a Prodigy record. In fact, I think there are some samples used in this mix that were used later on for a Prodigy song (the moan in the background sounds very familiar, but I can’t place it).

The Hard B.W.B. Hip Hop Mix is even weirder than the Tekno-Metal mix. Mix-A-Lot’s vocals are put through a distortion effect to make it sound like he’s rapping out of a megaphone, and the same insane beat from the previous mix remains dominant. Added to the mix are even more crazy-ass sound effects and beats that nearly turn the tune into a drum-and-bass tune.

Finally there is the Hurricane Mix, which brings things back to normal with some heavy scratching effects. Out of the three mixes it’s the one that is most like the original and it’s a high-energy take on an already high-energy song and belongs on everyone’s workout mixtape. The instrumental cut sound be a gift from heaven to any bootleg mixers out there.

The last two tracks are B-sides that never appeared on any proper Mix-A-Lot album as far as I can tell, although a lot of people I talked to knew of ‘Cake Boy’ so maybe that popped up somewhere. Proving that Mix-A-Lot was really a prophet years ahead of his time, ‘Cake Boy’ is a warning to all the hardcore boys out there that they have to watch out for the effeminate men out there that only act gay – see, Mix-A-Lot called out the Metrosexuals years before Queer Eye made them the shit. ‘You Can’t Slip’ isn’t as interesting, and is just another “fucking up motherfuckers and pimps” gangsta rap tune. Belongs on a B-side.

If I could only find 12” singles for ‘Buttermilk Biscuit’ and ‘Posse On Broadway’ I’d be in late-80s rap heaven.

Okay, I can finally get back into a groove with updating for now. This is my short time of relaxation before I have to jump head first into my big move into a big house of my very own (so excited)! As a thank you to all of those who read my long angry rants from the past few days, here’s some great stuff. And for those of you who skipped them (and you know who you are) I guess you can enjoy these tracks as well (fuckers).

John Coooper Clarke – Walking Back To Happiness
Gaberdine Angus
Majorica
Bronze Adonis
Split Beans
Twat
Pest
Nothing
Limbo
Who Stole The Marble Index?
Gimmix Play Loud
John Cooper Clarke is my new obsession. As a large American misanthropic asshole, I find myself enjoying the rants and raves of this little British misanthropic asshole more and more as the days go by. I discovered Clarke through Urgh! and didn’t think much of him at the time. But a few months ago I stumbled upon this video for his poem ‘Chickentown’ (which was supposedly in an episode of The Sopranos not too long ago) and I became hooked. Does anyone know if this guy ever makes appearances in the states?

These tracks are from a clear 10” called Walking Back To Happiness that was originally released in 1979. It’s a live performance and I don’t think most of it has ever been released on CD. Many of the cuts on itare available in studio form on other albums, but poetry and spoken word performances always sound better live in my opinion.

If you only download one of these, make sure it’s ‘Twat’. Not only is the title one of my all-time favorite swear words, it’s also the best dis track in the history of recorded performances. Rappers could learn a lot from this one.

Big Audio
Looking For A Song (Extended Album Mix)
Looking For A Song (Zonka’s Adventures In Space)
Looking For A Song (Zonka/Shapps Early Mix)
Looking For A Song (The Zonka/Shapps Remix)
The popular consensus that by the time Big Audio Dynamite I/II became Big Audio in the mid-90s they had lost much of the excitement and energy that made them such a revolutionary band in the 80s. I can’t say much about it, as the last album I own by the Mick Jones-led group is Globe, but if this song is any indication I think that the popular consensus needs to be reexamined. This immensely catchy song about…writing an immensely catchy song is a great upbeat number that is not only about finding inspiration to write music, but the inspiration that music can give you. I nominate it as the theme song to The Lost Turntable.

Time for my much-belated full Lollapalooza recap. No MP3s in this post. But I’ll be updating later with some, so stay calm. If you want to check out all my photos from the festival click here. Clicking on a highlighted artists’ name will send you directly to their photos.

Day 1
The Fratellis
I love these guys’ debut album. I drive a lot from state-to-state and it’s always a great pick-me-up for those mid-drive doldrums that can potentially cause you to drive off a bridge. Sadly they aren’t as exciting as I thought they would be live, but that’s probably because they took the stage at 11:45. Doesn’t change the fact that their songs rock.

Ghostland Observatory
I know nothing about this band, but they were playing right after The Fratellis on the same side of the park so I thought I’d check them out. Love the back-up dude’s cape. I need to get me one of those. My first impression of the singer was “wow that chick can sing” but then I get a little closer and revise my statement to “wow, that dude can sing.” Androgyny is totally making a comeback!

Son Volt
We head down to the other end of the park so we can catch The Polyphonic Spree. As an unintended side-effect of that we catch the second half of Sun Volt’s set. That’s all I have to say about that.

The Polyphonic Spree
There’s really nothing like seeing 20+ people rush out on stage wearing the exact same set clothes and performing in songs in a near-choir like fashion. However, the shock and awe wears off quick and you’re left with nothing more than some pretty boring tunes. It probably didn’t help that they were performing at the hottest moment of the hottest day either.

Against Me!
I took off from The Polyphonic Spree early so I could check out Against Me!, who are My New Favorite Band. Having been listening to New Wave nearly nonstop since it came out, I had really high hopes for these guys and they totally met them. Storming onto the stage right on time they wasted no time getting into the rock, delivering one great ball-busting tune after another. I guess the only thing better than an Against Me! CD is seeing Against Me! live. I am slightly annoyed by the use of the exclamation point in their name though, it drives MS Word fucking nuts.

Blonde Redhead
We make are way back to the main stage to catch Satellite Party (I wanted to see The Black Keys, but it was at the opposite end of the park and it was really fucking hot outside). We’re there pretty early so we get to hear most of Blonde Redhead’s set. I’m digging it but my friend Lisa turns to me about 20 minutes later and says to me “Make the scary music stop.” So I guess they aren’t for everyone.

Satellite Party
For those of you who don’t know, Satellite Party is the latest musical creation of Perry Farrell. Considering that his past two bands were Jane’s Addiction and Porno For Pyros, they have some pretty big shoes to fill. I reviewed their album when it came out at another website and I have to say I was really let down by it. Many of the songs just sounded like boring rehashes of better Jane’s songs, and some just flat-out sucked. Thankfully Perry’s one energetic motherfucker on stage and even when the band was playing some of the weaker songs off of the album he remains highly entertaining. The band also played many older tunes from Perry’s other bands, including ‘Pets’ by Porno For Pyros, which makes me happy. We take off as ‘Jane Says’ starts, and marvel at the fact that people still make out to this touching tune about a junkie.

LCD Soundsystem
I saw LCD live right after their first album came out in a small club in Cleveland. The place wasn’t even half full so I had plenty of room that night to shave my various groove things and have an overall bootylicious time. This time I was sharing LCD with a 20,000+ people and with the sun just beginning to set I still wasn’t in a very dancable mood. Instead I sat on my ass and soaked up a mist fan. They did a good set though and I still love them.

Daft Punk (These photos REALLLLLY suck)
Having not moved for about an hour now, I was fully energized for Daft Punk, and it’s a good thing. As the electro-French duo emerged from a giant LCD pyramid to the sounds of ‘Technologic’ I instantly realized that this was going to be a bitchin’ show. With an godlike visual show that included several giant video screens and every light effect known to man, as well as a bass beat about 2 decibels away from bending me over and fucking me up the ass, Daft Punk’s live show can be described as impressive to say the least. It was like seeing the last 22 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey in concert. By the time they begin to mix in ‘Around The World’ I have forgotten about the 11+ hours I have spent outside, the sunburn on my neck and my aching feet and started getting my groove on. The pulsing lights and sounds moved through me as I began to shake like an epileptic using a vibrator. Everyone around me (douchebag drunks and their idiot bitches) stared at the wild gyrations I made but I didn’t care. For the first time of the dayI was at one with the music and all is good.

Until I have to walk back to the hotel. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Day 2
Matt & Kim
I had no idea who these guys were before I saw them but the second they took the stage I instantly fell in love with them. The whole chick drummer/dude singer thing may make some people think they are a White Stripes rip-off, but aside from their member/gender makeup they have nothing in common with the famous Detroit duo. These indie-poppers rock out pure happiness. Unfortunately, they were suffering various technical difficulties during their show, but they didn’t let it get their spirits down. If anything the downtime made me like them more, as they filled it with hilarious stories about “dipping the pen in the company inkwell” and other funny events. After their short set Kim even came down to sign autographs and take pictures! She’s super-duper-neato-keen-cool.

Ludo
More time to kill before Silverchair. The Lollapalooza program described these guys as “part Weezer and part Queen”. I’m more than a little doubtful of that intriguing combination, but their isn’t anything else going on so we check them out anyways (and their stage is covered in the shade -bonus). The geeky-looking hipsters take the stage and I’m shocked to discover that their Weezer/Queen description is shockingly accurate. When they aren’t performing cute break-up songs like ‘Good Will Hunting By Yourself’ their performing cuts from their rock opera EP Broken Bride, which is about a time traveler who has to choose between saving his wife from certain death or saving humanity from the devil’s reign in the far future. It sounds stupid for sure, but I’ve listened to it more than any other CD I picked up since the show. If that isn’t enough to convince you that these guys rock, they closed their set with a cover of Faith No More’s ‘Epic’! How fucking metal is that shit!?

Silverchair
Tomorrow (Cover)
Not a big Silverchair fan, but Lisa wants to see them and I’m an incredibly nice guy so I go along. I’m actually surprised to see how much they’ve changed since I heard them last (circa 1999) and their shockingly pretty damn good. I also take lots of pictures for a friend who couldn’t make it but finds their lead singer “dreamy”. I don’t stay for the whole set though because I want to get Regina Spector’s autograph.

Intermission – The Horrible Midday Episode of Sadness
So I leave Silverchair early and make my way to the FYE tent to get in the line for Regina’s autograph. The two dudes in front of me let me know that I have to buy her CD if I want to see her. This sucks since I bought it the day it came out, but whatever, I dig her so I figure it’s worth it. I make it inside the tent where the manager is and I have this conversation:

Me: “Do I need to buy a Regina Spector CD if I want her autograph?”
Asshat Douchebage: “Yes.”
Me: “Okay, where are they?”
AD: “We’re sold out.”
Me: “Oh, so can I just get in line then?”
AD: “No, you need to buy a CD first.”
Me: “But you’re sold out!”
AD: “You need one to get in line.”

This went on for awhile, it’s like I found an error in his programming and he was caught in an endless loop. He finally informs me that I can’t get her autograph because they don’t have any CDs. I’m not happy.

Me: “That’s bullshit!”
AD: “Hey those are her rules, not mine.”

Okay, let’s reflect on that statement for a minute. Regina Spector, a small-time, aspiring singer-songwriter with a rabid fanbase is going to force all of her fans that love her and have already bought her CD to buy it again just so they can get her autograph. And if any of her fans already bought her CD or can’t buy it at the FYE tent then they are shit out of luck. I call the dude’s bluff.

Me: “You’re full of shit and you know it. I’ve met her before and she’s never had these restrictions.”
AD: “Those are her rules dude.”
Me: “Fuck off and die.”

Okay, so some people thought that was rude. Those people can fuck off. He was obviously lying and knew it. Some of you may be saying, “But he’s just some lackey working retail, it’s not his policy!” Well, no you’re wrong. This little twat had the cute little “manager” tag on his shitty little shirt, so he knew what was really going on. And even if I didn’t, well I really don’t care. If he didn’t want to deal with large loud assholes like me that don’t take bullshit then he shouldn’t have gotten a job at a shit retail store infamous for having an overpriced shitty selection. (It’s a little-known fact that FYE stands for Fucking You Endlessly).

Dejected I head down to where Regina is playing (sitting through STS9…shudder) so I can get a good spot.

Regina Spector
As I mentioned before, I love Regina Spector. I want to bear her children. The only thing more beautiful than her are her flawless songs. Am I sounding like a stalker? I don’t care.

Anyways, right when shebegins her first song a girl next to me passes out. She gets up, tells everyone she’s fine and then immediately passes out again. Everyone around her try to get the attention of security but they are nowhere to be seen. Thankfully Regina sees us, stops her set and helps direct the crowd so her friends can carry her to medical personnel. Not only is Regina’s music amazing, she saves lives!

Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Love the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, but I love the Blue Room even better. The Blue Room is this heavenly air-conditioned room provided by AT&T so people can get into a dark place and cool off. I hear most of their set from inside the tent though, and it is nice.

Spoon
I’m just now becoming a Spoon fan, having really discovered them thanks to this awesome video. I didn’t know most of the songs they played, but they were very good. I was still kind of half out-of-it though when they started so I don’t remember most of it.

Muse
Before Muse took the stage I told Lisa that they’d really have to do something if they wanted to top Daft Punk from the night before. I guess they heard me because once they came on stage there was nothing but blinding lights and deafening music filling Grant Park for 90 minutes. Accompanied behind the band were more lights and LED monitors then all of Times Square, and those combined with the unearthly music coming out of the speakers gave me a near-religious experience. Once again I loose my goddamn mind and start jumping around like a zealot speaking tongues. By the time Matthew Bellamy unleashes the opening riff to ‘Plug In Baby’ during their encore I go apeshit and begin to fly around the park and scream at the top of my lungs. The people around me must’ve been staring, but they can suck it. I had a blast.

Day 3
Juliette & The Licks
So Juliette Lewis has a punk rock band. Actually, it’s pretty good. The chick sure does have the energy to back it up, running around the stage like a dolled-up monkey on meth. Their cover of ‘Hot Stuff’ is especially impressive. I might actually get their CD sometime.

The Cribs
These guys are the latest garage-rock “The [fill-in-the-blank]s” band to get massive hype from the UK press. Lisa is a slave to NME so OMG we HAVE to check them out. Yawn.

Amy Winehouse
Holy shit this bitch needs to go to rehab.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

She barely moves during her entire set and barely even seems to notice that an audience is in front of her. I get bored quickly and head for the all-loving shade.

Iggy And The Stooges
The highlight of day three came early, as Iggy Pop and his cronies took the stage around 4:15 and proceeded to blow my balls off with raw power, old-school punk rock. Halfway through his set Iggy (who is shockingly NOT wearing a shirt) allows the fans to rush the stage, at which point over 100 drunk idiots surround him. I don’t know how the stage didn’t collapse. It was a blast though. And the sudden flood of people on the stage allowed me to get pretty close as a side-effect.

Modest Mouse
I love Modest Mouse, but I couldn’t watch them. There was nothing wrong with their performance, they were actually excellent (and Johnny Marr is awesome) it was their fans that drove me fucking nuts. The rant from my previous post came mostly from the mindless little taints that surrounded me during this show. We leave early and head for the Blue Room to cool down.

TV On The Radio
Whoever decided that TV On The Radio only deserved 45 minutes was a fucking asshole. By the time they got in their groove their set was over. Not only that, they didn’t get to play many of their best tunes, including ‘Dry Drunk Emperor’ and ‘Ambulance’. Bummer.

Pearl Jam
I’ve seen Pearl Jam live six times before this performance, so to say I like them is an understatement. I was a little underwhelmed by most of their set though, as it was mostly tailored for casual fans who probably haven’t bought a PJ album since No Code or Yield. Still, hearing classics like “Elderly Woman’, ‘Corduroy’ and ‘Evenflow’ really never gets old. At the end of their set they performed a new anti-war song dedicated to an Iraqi vet who joined them on stage (along with Ben Harper) before closing off with the obligatory ‘Rockin’ In The Free World’ cover.

After all was said and done I saw over 20 bands, many of which I enjoyed. I’ve been going to Lollapalooza ever since it revamped itself as a one-off event in downtown Chicago and I’m fairly certain I’ll be continuing to do so as long as they hold them. There may be a few problems with the event (crowded line-up, shitty merch tent) but the good far outweighs the bad.

Just got back from Lollapalooza. Great show. Got to see Iggy Pop, Spoon, LCD Soundsystem, Daft Punk (holy shit that was amazing) and about a dozen more amazing acts that I’ll talk about later this week. I’ll also have links to my photos that I took during the show as well, which includes some awesome shots of Regina Spektor. There were something like 60,000 people at Lollapalooza this year, which can only mean one thing; a whole lot of douchebags. I saw so much idiotic behavior that I feel the need to update The Lost Turntable Guide To Concerts. So I now present:

The Lost Turntable Guide To Festival Etiquette.

Rule No. 1: Get off your goddamn cellphone. This should have been a rule in my original guide, but I somehow forgot it. Someone explain this to me. You’ve just spent $195 on a ticket to a three-day festival that’s jam-packed with over 100 amazing bands, and you spend most of the show on your fucking phone telling everyone how awesome it is?! How can you tell everyone how awesome it is? You won’t get off your fucking phone! The people that do this can never hear a fucking thing too. Here’s a recreation of every cell phone conversation I heard this weekend:

Dude, I’m at Lollapalooza it’s awesome!
I said I’m at Lollapalooza!
What?
What?
WHAT?
I’m at a concert!
*long pause*
WHAT!?!?

If you really feel the need to talk to one of your dumbass friends who was too cheap to buy a ticket then get away from the stage, Grant Park is really fucking big.

Rule No. 2: Your friends won’t be able to find you, so you can put your damn hand down.
Bitch on phone: “You can’t find me? Look, I’m raising my hand now! I’m by the stage. I said I’m by the stage!”

Look around you bitch, see all the other braindead cunnies holding their hands up and talking on their cell phones? It’s an exercise in futility. Set up a fucking meeting place before you get there and you won’t have this fucking problem.

Rule No. 3: Don’t rush up to a stage right before a show starts and expect to get in the front row. Hey asshole, I’ve been standing here for 45 minutes so I could get a good view of Regina Spector, stop trying to push your way past me. I’m elbowing you in the stomach on purpose. I don’t care if you can’t see from “way back there”. Fuck off and die.

Rule No. 4: You can’t “hold spaces” for people. This is related to the two previous rules, because most dumbass motherfuckers who were on the phone trying to find their friends were doing so because they “totally got an awesome spot” Nevermind the fact that they are shoulder-to-shoulder with everyone around them, their friend can totally meet them up there because they saved a spot for them. Unless that spot is a stain in their underwear they are sorely mistaken. See rule number 4 and go suck it.

Rule No. 5: Watch where you throw that fucking frisbee you goddamn hippie! Seriously, I like my nose the way it is.

Rule No. 6: Give a hoot, clean up after your lazy ass. Everywhere you went at Lollapalooza this year you were reminded that it was a “green” festival. Signs about your carbon footprint were everywhere. The program was printed on recycled paper, and every five feet a person was trying to get you to sign some sort of environmental petition. You think you’d get the hint and throw your fucking plastic cup away. We’re all sharing this space for three days, don’t turn it into a fucking toilet.

Rule No. 7: Wear sunscreen. Nothing mean to say here, it’s just good advice. Apply it gnerously every couple of hours.

Rule No. 8: If you are using a portapotty lock the motherfucking door. If you don’t that’s fine by me, but don’t yell at me when I open the door and get a look at the goods. Trust me honey, out of all the chicks I wanted to get a flash from, your chunky butt was really low on the list.

And finally Rule No. 9: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (sadly) people come to concerts to listen to the fucking music, not to hear you bitch about how you couldn’t get any good weed the night before. I’m not a complete asshole, I do realize that a festival is different from a regular concert and that people will be talking, that’s fine. Just don’t have complete conversations when everyone else around you is trying to listen to the fucking music. Someone in front of me ran into someone they knew during Modest Mouse and they both began singing “Ruby Soho” at the top of their lungs. Look you little fratboy pricks, I’m sure that’s the punchline to a really funny inside joke about that one time you were at the beach house and got so fucked up you pissed on the kitchen floor, but I’m trying to hear “Float On”.

Hang up the damn phone and listen to the fucking music, Iggy Pop is playing for fuck’s sake.

Ah, that felt good.

Muse
Recess
Yes Please
Dead Star
Muscle Museum (Soulwax Remix)
House Of The Rising Sun
Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You

Muse’s show at Lollapalooza was holy shit amazing. I’ve heard things about their live shows in the past, but nothing could have compared me for the utter brilliance I witnessed when they took the stage. The combination of absolutely incendiary music and some of the most awe-inspiring visuals I have ever seen at a concert combined to create an experience like nothing else I have ever been witness to. It was almost like a religious experience, I almost saw God when Bellamy started playing ‘Plug In Baby’, complete and total audio/visual orgasm.

As for the tracks above, most of them will only be rarities to people in America, as Muse is huge everywhere else. ‘Dead Star’ was a single in the UK but never released in America, and it’s B-side was the cover of ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You’. Their cover of ‘House Of The Rising Sun’ was only released on a charity album that came with issues of NME. The other two songs are off of their compilation/live album Hulabaloo Soundtrack, which never came out in the states either. I have no idea where that remix of ‘Muscle Museum’ is from though.

Okay, so it’s been a while since my last post. The reason for this is that I am currently stuck in Toledo and my record collection is located in Pittsburgh. I came to Toledo last weekend for my dad’s 60th birthday party (joy) and am staying here until Thursday, which is when I will depart for Chicago and three joyous days of rocking out at Lollapalooza. I’ll need to rock out after this week, during which I attempted to serve as the family mediator between brothers and temporarily shared a bathroom with a six-hundred pound slob (seriously, I think I’m scarred for life now). In case anyone is curious, highlights for me at this year’s show include The Fratellis, Polyphonic Spree, LCD Soundsystem, Daft Punk (FUCK YEAH), Muse, Regina Spektor (I wanna marry her), Iggy Pop, , Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Spoon and about a billion other bands. It”ll promise to be the best three days of near-dehydration I’ll have all year.

As I mentioned before, my records are in Pittsburgh, and I didn’t plan ahead far enough to upload any tracks to my server before leaving town (I’ve been busy) so I wasn’t going to update the blog at all this week. Luckily I made my way to the best record store in Toledo yesterday and they gave me a little something that I think y’all might enjoy.

The Fratellis
3 Skinny Girls
Flathead (Live At The Cherrytree House)
Doginabag (Live At The Cherrytree House)
Chelsea Dagger (Acoustic)
The Fratellis are My New Favorite Band and Costello Music is one of the best debut albums I’ve heard recently. I really hope these bitchin’ Scottish dance-friendly garage-rockers can keep up the momentum on their next album. These four tracks I found off of the Chelsea Dagger EP, which was given to some record stores as a promo for Costello Music. It was given to me by Culture Clash because I rock (Culture Clash rocks too).