I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas/Hanukkah/Ramadan (is that over yet?)/Kwanzaa/Festivus/Saturnalia/Boxing Day. I was in Colorado over the holiday and had much fun with my Mom and my slightly insane step-family. Christmas with a 6-year-old is fucking exhausting.

Whilst in the lovely land of little oxygen and excessive Christian pricks that is Colorado Springs, I did get a chance to check out a couple bitchin’ record stores. One was The Leech Pit, an awesome record/vintage clothing store that I have mentioned in the past. If you are ever in the Colorado Springs area I highly suggest checking them out, as they will serve as a much needed respite from all the Jesus freaks that populate the area.

The other was Independent Records, a local chain store that has a great selection of everything from vinyl records, CDs, DVDs and video games both used and new. There are several of them in the area, but I went to the biggest one that had the best vinyl collection. I’ll be posting some stuff that I picked up there in a few weeks, I bought so much vinyl that my mom had to ship it back since it wouldn’t fit in my luggage.

Wildchild
Renegade Master (Fatboy Slim Old Skool Edit)
Renegade Master (Original Mix)
Renegade Master (Fatboy Slim Old Skool Mix)
Renegade Master (Fatboy Slim New Skool Mix)
Renegade Master (Tall Paul Mix)
Renegade Master (Urban Takeover Mix)
Argh. These tracks were SUPPOSED to be the highlight of my mega-awesome pre-Christmas house post, but I forgot to upload them. Which makes it much harder for you all to download them. This was doubly annoying since it was the song that inspired by decision to create an “all-house” post since it’s probably one of the greatest club tracks of all time, made even better by Fatboy Slim’s nigh-perfect remixes. If you call yourself a dance music fan and you don’t have these tracks on your computer then you’re fucking up. The first four versions were taken from a
CD single, while the final two were ripped from a 12” single. They are all must haves. Download them and cherish them.

Clan Of Xymox
Phoenix Of My Heart/Wild Thing Outro (Spicy Mix)
Phoenix Of My Heart/Wild Thing Outro (Mental Spicy Mix)
Phoenix Of My Heart/Wild Thing Outro
Love The Neighbor
Can anyone tell me what a Xymox is? Anyone at all? At the very least can you tell me how to pronounce it? I’d be most grateful. Anyways, I don’t have much to say about these guys other than that these songs were from a 12” single and that, like the band’s name, they confuse me greatly.

Regular visitors to my blog will know that I try to plan a huge post around Christmas both as a special gift to you all and as an excuse for me to take the week off posting when I’m out being all family-friendly with my family (strange concept I know). Two years ago I put up a shitload of White Stripes B-sides, last year it was old-school rap, this year I’m wishing all of you a very Big Beat Christmas with some killer house and techno cuts, along with some industrial thrown in for good measure (and the rest of The Leather Nun tracks just because).

Right now I am in the Charlotte Airpot sitting across from a very angry bilingual chick in army fatigues and a spineless father with a little brat four-year-old who deserves to be thrown into a jet turbine. I love holiday travel.

Enjoy your chosen winter solstice celebration and I’ll see you all in a week or so.

The Creator
The Creator (The 12” Creation)
The Creator (The 7” Creation)
The Creator (The Dub Creation)
The Creator (The Intro Creation)
This is a house track that features an overly enthusiastic black minister spouting the joys of house music. Back in the late 90s I heard about five thousand tracks that followed this formula. Who did it first, and more importantly, who is the dude that has to be on half of these tracks? This is a better example of this kind of house music, with the standard scary hardcore house sound mixing well with the crazy minister guy. These are all from a 12” single.

Nitzer Ebb
Control I’m Here (Hardcore Mix)
Control I’m Here (Command Control Confront Mix)
Control I’m Here (Strategic Dancefloor Initiative Mix)
K.I.A.
Nitzer Ebb is a band I can only listen to in small doses, either because they get on my nerves far too quick or because they’re music gets me so angry and pumped up that I want to punch someone in the head. And since I am currently in a crowded airport that would be especially bad. All of these tracks are from the 12” single to “Control In Here” and while a couple of these tracks have been made available on compilations, those too are also hard to find so I’m including them all here.

Alan Barratt
The Warriors
The Burial
These two tracks are off of a 12” called “Zulu Nation 5.” The cover of the album has a pair of bongo drums on it with some generic African art. Above that someone wrote in black marker “Tribal House” – gee, ya think? I have no clue who Alan Barratt is/was, but these are two good, if slightly droning, house tracks by him.

The Leather Nun
Cool Shoes
I Wish
Special Agent
On The Road
Son Of A Good Family
Desolation Ave
I would say that I’m never going to post another track by The Leather Nun again, but since I’m not counting out any other bizarre Abba covers by them I think that would be a bit hasty. These are from assorted 12” singles.

Ho Ho Ho.

I am once again going to apologize for the lack of updates as of late. Last time I blamed my job, this time I’m blaming the holidays (and Comcast for going down last night just when I was getting ready to hit “publish”). When I apologize next week I’ll blame the moon.

The Leather Nun
I Can Smell Your Thoughts (Remix)
Falling Apart
506 (Re-Visited)
I am seriously running out of things to say about this Swedish punk/goth rock band, which is quite unfortunate considering I still have at least two more posts worth of songs by them. These tracks are from the 12” single to “I Can Smell Your Thoughts” (little known fact, my thoughts smell like bacon).

Jane’s Addiction
So What! (Voodoo Funk)
So What! (Jane’s House)
So What! (Downbeat Addiction)
I have even less to say about Jane’s Addiction. Um…let me think for a second…nope I got nothing. Hey, you hear about those shitheads who are pissed that a bakery wouldn’t make a cake with their kid’s name on it since they named their kid Adolf Hitler? What a couple of fucking pieces of shit. The worthless prick of a dad says he’s non-violent, which is so fucking stupid it makes my brain hurt in ways that I didn’t know possible. Well, he may be non-violent, but I’m not, so if I ever see that fucker I’m going to make sure he can’t contribute to the gene pool anymore than he already has. What a fucking shit.

The Verve
Lord I Guess I’ll Never Know
Country Song
Bitter Sweet Symphony (Extended Version)
So Sister
Echo Bass
Here I am breaking my rules again. These tracks were not taken from vinyl, but were instead lifted from two separate CD singles. I thought I’d post them anyways since I’m feeling oh so very British after seeing Oasis this past weekend. Good show, but Ryan Adams is one of the worst acts I’ve ever seen.

My latest review:
Evil Nine: They Live! – Zombie techno bitches!

Now, as I was saying…

Gothic Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Part 1
Part 2
The Devil Is An Englishman
Okay, I don’t know where to begin with this one. Gothic is a completely forgotten 1987 horror film by Ken Russell, who is best known for directing the film version of Tommy and the 1980 mindfuck Altered States. If Ken Russell doesn’t do LSD then the chemicals used to manufacture it are taken from his body. Other “highlights” of Russell’s career include; The Devils, a film described to me as the most blasphemous movie ever made; The Lair Of The White Worm, in which the bisexual lawyer from L.A. Law attacks Hugh Grant; and the exquisitely-titled Whore, which was written as a response to Pretty Woman.

Gothic starred Gabriel Byrne and Julian Sands (The Warlock) and is based on the true story of Mary Shelly’s vacation on Lake Geneva which led to her writing Frankenstein. The word “based” is a stretch though, since I highly doubt that Mary Shelly and her friends spent that winter partaking in drug-fueled orgies and hallucinating about nipples with eyeballs and such (although I could be wrong).

This score was composed by Thomas Dolby. Before this his only work composing music for a film was for Howard The Duck, and that wasn’t even the score, it was the music that Lea Thompson’s band plays. Which leads to the question; how the hell did he get this gig? In case you were wondering, Gothic was the last movie Dolby ever scored.

Anyways, Gothic has kind of slipped into the black hole of anonymity since its 1987 release. It’s available on DVD if you really want to see it, but I haven’t met anyone who has. This score is even more obscure, and has been out of print for years now. It was released on both vinyl and CD, and the latter of the two can go for as much as 70 bucks on eBay (Dolby fans are fucking nuts). I grabbed this from Jerry’s for a tenth of that insane price. It’s pretty good, and combines orchestral arrangements with electronic instruments in a few interesting ways.

The original CD had the score split up into two parts, and I’m keeping with that format since there are about 40 “tracks” listed on the vinyl version. The only change I’m making from that album is that I separated the very end, which is a “pop” song called “The Devil Is An Englishman,” featuring someone named Timothy Spall on vocals. The soundtrack also credits someone going by the name “Screamin’ Lord Byron,” but that is NOT David Bowie, who went by that name in the video for “Blue Jean,” instead it’s lines that Gabriel Byrne yelled in the movie (he played Lord Byron in the movie and he tends to scream lots).

And I think I just wrote more on the soundtrack to this movie than anyone ever has in the history of anything.

The Leather Nun
Primemover
F.F.A.
Pink House (Extended Version)
Speed Of Life (Extended Version)
Lucky Strike (SMC Al Star Blosband) (Not a typo, it’s “Al Star”)

Exciting excursions into the leather nunnery continue with these choice tracks. The first two tracks are from the 12” single to “Primeover” while the last three are from the single to “Pink House,” a song that bears no relation whatsoever to “Pink Houses,” which is a shame because that would have been totally awesome.

Note: “F.F.A” stands for “Fist Fuckers Associated” I’m assuming their offices are not located in the same office complex as “Peace And Love Incorporated.”

Anyone want to set my car on fire so I can collect insurance? I’ll repay you with a 12” single of the Howard The Duck Theme. Seems like a fair trade to me.

Nuclear Assault
Final Flight
Demolition
I knew little about this band until this weekend, when I picked up this 12” single because of the sheer metalness of the band’s logo. I went to Allmusic to read up on them and their synopsis of the band begins with “Nuclear Assault were among thrash metal’s most socially aware groups…” only to click on their complete song list to find that they recorded a song called “Butt Fuck.” Now, that may be a metaphor for World War III (a common theme in other NA songs), but I doubt it. Anyways, this group was formed by Anthrax’s first bass player Danny Liker and a dude named John Connelly, who was a roadie for Anthrax at the time. So they kind of sound like Anthrax. Connelly really can’t sing at all, and the chords are pretty simple (even for thrash) still, they have a simplistic, “fuck you” charm to them that I kind of dig. These two songs were the b-sides to “Brain Death,” and they have never made their way to CD.

Living Colour
Love Rears Its Ugly Head (Soulpower Mix)
Love Rears Its Ugly Head (Hip Hop Mix)
Elvis Is Dead (Elvis Is In The House Mix)
Elvis Is Dead (Zans is Dead Dub)
Hip-hop/house/dance remixes of Living Colour tracks confus me since these dudes were fucking punk rock as shit when they first burst onto the scene. When “Elvis Is Dead” is remixed into a dance tune it’s still good, but it sounds strangely British to me. These tracks are from 12” singles and the Soulpower Mix I have is not the same version that’s on the Greatest Hits.

The Leather Nun
Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight) (Chopper Mix)
Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight) (The Rejected Version)
Lollipop (Suckers Version)
I recently bought half a dozen singles by The Leather Nun and all of them feature tracks that were never released on CD. Hell, even if they were put on CD at one point I’d still post them since everything released by this great evil group out of Sweden is sadly out of print here in the America. I thought I’d kick off this cavalcade of Swedish glam/goth/industrial/rock by posting the remixes to their cover of that classic ABBA tune as well as a remix of their immensely dirty original song “Lollipop.” (Hint, it’s not really about sucking a lollipop) (Another hint: It’s about his penis.)

I haven’t posted a random rant in a while so for all of you who were missing them…

A message to everyone: If you get an email that you think you absolutely have to share with everyone because it is incredibly funny/important/sad/gross and you forward it to everyone in your address book then you are a fucktard and should donate your computer to charity because you don’t deserve it. In the past 24 hours I got two emails from some stupid wanker I went to college with. He had my email address because we worked together on a project. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate, he was in a group with me in which I and one other dude did all the work. Anyways, this fucking pisser sent me some huge rambling email he got from someone detailing how awful gun control is, using gruesome pictures from violent government oppressions of the past to prove the point. Thanks man. Because the first thing I wanted to see when I woke up in the morning was a picture of a mass grave. After seeing countless pictures of mass graves, executions and assorting nastiness the email ends with this, “American politicians, primarily leftists, attempt to establish gun control, ensuring that only responsible government agencies, such as the police and military, have firearm [sic]” with a picture of Obama. What the fuck does that mean? Obama wants to take our guns so the government can rape our children and shoot us in the back of the head? Fucking twat. I emailed the guy back and told him what a dipshit he was for A) sending me this email and B) the conclusions it drew. He told me, “sorry, I don’t have anything against Obama.”

Sigh. So not only is he a fucking idiot that doesn’t know how to use a fucking computer, he’s a fucking moron that doesn’t understand the fucking retarded messages that he’s fucking spreading via his fucking retarded ways. There was a bonus though, I now know the emails to his friends and family. So if he keeps sending me shit like this I can start having some fun.

The moral of the story is don’t sent out a mass email to a vindicive prick or your parents might start getting spam from S&M sites.

Radiohead vs. SM
Pact Like Sardines In a Crushed Tin Box
This is a strange one. It’s an experimental trance/house remix of a Radiohead song. It’s not like the original was that normal to begin with, stretching it out and adding a backbeat just makes it all the weirder. This is a strange one-sided single, offering no information as to who “SM” is, so any information would be great.

Perplexer
Acid Folk (House Remix)
Acid Folk (Vocal Mix)
Acid Folk (DJ Tom & Norman Remix)
This is a house track that has bagpipes in it. It’s 8.3 times as awesome as you think it is. Every time I listen to it (which has been many times in the past six hours) I think of Braveheart with glowsticks. Also, the guys who made this 12” single were fucking geniuses. They knew the main drawing point of this song was the bagpipes, so the cover is nothing but bagpipes. But they didn’t stop there, they also put a sticker on it that said “The club hit featuring the bagpipe.” That may sound stupid to you at first but think about it. You’re in a club, you hear a song with bagpipes and you’re like “I want that song!” So you go to the record store and then you see an album that has a sticker basically saying “yo, this is that bagpipe song!” I mean it’s not like there were an abundance of bagpipe-heavy house tracks in the mid-90s (were there?) so you wouldn’t be thinking “yeah, but which club hit bagpipe song is this one?”

Rob Base & D.J. E-Z Rock
It Takes Two (Tuff Audio Mix Take 1)
It Takes Two (Tuff Audio Mix Take 2)
Greatest rap single of all time? Discuss. These remixes are from an undated remix 12” single.

Christmas is coming up, in case anyone is wondering what to get me, cash, vinyl and sexual favors are almost always good.

This post is heavy on the gay techno, which is weird considering I’ve spent all of today listening to Fucked Up. My shit is diverse.

Erasure
Chorus (Pure Trance Mix)
Chorus (Transdental Trance Mix)
Chorus (Agressive Trance Mix)
I can’t believe I never put up any remixes of Chorus before. I was going to put these up a while ago, but the song’s lyrics are so sad and I was really riding a post Obama high for a few weeks. Anyways, that didn’t last. I think that if “the gays” ever actually did start converting kids like the conservative nutbags out there think they do then this song would be part of phase one in their “homofication” plan.

U2
Discotheque (DM Deep Club Mix)
Discotheque (Hexidecimal Mix)
Discotheque (DM Deep Instrumental)
Why do I put up songs on my blog that I myself don’t like? Related question: Why do I buy 12” singles to songs that I don’t like? I think I bought this one as a gift a few months ago but forgot about it. Then I found it buried in my “to record” pile and thought “fuck, how did this happen?” Anyways, I’m sure someone out there likes this song, and these remixes are for that person, whoever that stupid sick fucker is.

Ric Ocasek
Jimmy Jimmy (A New Extended Version)
Connect Up To Me (Extended Version)
And coming out of nowhere it’s a freakishly thin man with a giant adam’s apple! Ric Ocasek’s voice is one of those love it or hate things, kind of like a new wave Neil Young. I’ve personally always loved it but other people I know (hi mom!) want to jam icepicks in their ears whenever a song by The Cars (that isn’t “Drive”) comes on the radio. If you didn’t like The Cars you probably aren’t going to like these two solo tracks, but if you don’t like The Cars then you suck (unless you’re my mom, in that case I’ll let it slide). Both of these tracks are extended versions of songs that originally appeared on Ocasek’s 1983 debut Beatitude, which I just found out is out of print. I’ll try to remember to record my vinyl copy and put it up here soon.