So the dome of protection that protected Pittsburgh from the blizzard was apparently part of some black magic pact that cost the city the Super Bowl. Oh well, at least we don’t have to endure headlines about how Ben Roethlisberger somehow “redeemed’ himself because he won a fucking football game.

But lets not talk about that (alleged) criminal. Instead lets talk about some actual criminals. The Black Eyed Peas.

The halftime show.

Holy.

Shit.

Wow. I mean, I knew the Black Eyed Peas sucked. I’ve written extensively about that very subject. Their shittiness is nothing new to me. But even I was surprised as to just how hideous they were. How does that even happen? Didn’t anyone at the NFL know? Shit. Maybe they should start holding auditions for bands before they take the stage and aurally assault America. Anyone notice how even with the autotune they sounded like a shit sandwhich? That’s because in order for the robo-voice effect to work right you have to be able to hold a note. Sure, when Will.I.Am is in the studio, he can shit out horrible take after horrible take of the opening line to “The Time (Dirty Bit),” because he just needs to deliver one average vocal performance. But when he has to puke out some vocals live he can’t even fulfill the bare minimum vocal requirements in order to make an autotuned performance sound good. Of course, if he just would have rapped without any bullshit vocal modification he would have sounded fine. But no, motherfucker wants to sound like a robot.

As for Fergie. Ugh. I almost kind of sort of defended her the last time I went off on an anti-Black Eyed Peas rant. That was a mistake. There’s no defending her now.

Most people know about how autotune can make people sound like robots, but what some people might not know is that autotune’s primary purpose is to not be noticed, and to fix poor vocal performances in the studio. And what I took away from Fergie trying to sing live is that, well, she can’t. She is a product of studio manipulation. Sure, she can rap/sing-talk fine, but you ask her to hold a note or carry a tune and her true, talentless colors come through bright and clear. Yikes. Well, at least she didn’t piss herself on stage this time. So she has that going for her, which is nice.

Oh, and Slash? Fuck you and your shiny top hat.

Sigh. Remember when Prince did the halftime show? That was awesome. Prince should just do all the halftime shows from now until the day he dies. And then we should just get replays of those.

Gary Numan
My World Storm (12” Mix)
My World Storm (Instrumental)
Could you imagine a Gary Numan halftime show? It would be amazing! He could come out in a little go-cart and rock out some of “Cars” before going into “Are ‘Friends’ Electric?” “Me! I disconnect from you” and close with a bitchin’ version of “Metal.” Sure, only eight people in the world would want to see that, but shit, we’d be stoked! These tracks are from a 12″.

Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
Don’t Surrender (Extended Mix)
Don’t Surrender (The Most Excellent Mix)
Joan Jett’s halftime show would include her in a camouflage bikini top and leather pants. Then she’d beat the shit out of the entire defensive lines of both football teams.

John Foxx
Enter The Angel (Extended Mix)
Stairway
Foxx’s halftime show would…shit…I got nothing. It’s 2am. I should go to bed.